10 Things You can't Do in Lisbon

There's a lot of stuff you can't do in Lisbon. I was thinking about this the other day. I thought I'd share.

1. Wear heels. It's the pavements. Some clown in planning thought it a great idea to pave the streets of Lisbon (and the whole damn country) with little squares of rock. Mostly it looks pretty but on the whole - totally useless for stilettos and kitten heels.
2. Speak English. Well ... you can but ain't no one gonna talk back to you. Trust me ... I've tried (in desparation).
3. Avoid beggars. Not that I mind them. I don't, not a bit. Usually I just trip over them. Actually ... they're a bloody nuisance. I might start paying them to stand up, instead of lying around the (break your neck if you wear heels) pavements.
4. Complain. About anything. Not that you don't have nothing to moan about. I can think of ohhhh a dozen things. But no one (here) likes a moaner. That's something you do under your breath and behind closed doors. Just so you know ...
5. Get any sleep if you're a light sleeper. Or a deep one, come to think of it. On account of the 6 nights a week trash collection. Done roughly around the hours of unreasonable and stupid o' clock in the morning.
6. Find pillows that are made for anyone that's taller than 36 inches. Unless you're prepared to pay stupid money for them in El Corte Ingles. Which I'm not.
7. Speak in Portuguese in a shop/bank/anywhere without *whoever* looking fondly on, listening intently and making you feel like a two year old learning to string a sentence together.
8. Join a queue and expect everyone else that's already in it or about to join it to observe queue etiquette. I don't think 'waiting your turn' is a part of the Portuguese culture. Or maybe it is - and they pretend otherwise.
9. Get through a single day without drinking alcohol. Sorry. Tried it. Soooo anti-social. No can do.
10. Buy fish and chips. Not that I want to. I don't even like them. I'm just saying ...

Here's another thing you can't do - avoid cafés full of yummies ...